Trying to get recognized and build value? Read this for new perspectives!

A self-assessment perspective on perceived value and expectations

Feeling unnoticed or unappreciated by colleagues or friends? Do you understand the intricacies of building value and being realistic about our expectations? What to do when you don’t get recognition for your efforts?

Read on through this 15-minute read to gain some insights into it! If you find it comfortable, the article is designed to allow reading individual sections over multiple readings. However, to build a thorough understanding, it is strongly recommended to read through all sections once you start!

Why Should We Care?

Since the stone ages, it has been one of the most successful evolutionary trait of humans to seek validation from others around. Consequently, in most cultures, it leads to a safer, more compassionate and respectful life. But we all know it, right? Somewhere within ourselves, we all consciously wish to break FREE from social expectations, yet we all have to either align or alter this continuum around us for a progressive life! Failing to understand or adapt to it, we may have to either resort to the solitary ways of life or prioritize safety and inclusion before advanced pursuits (like legacy, purpose etc.) in life.

Ironically, despite being the primitive foundation of personality in all humans, some are totally unaware of it while some may use it to their advantage at the cost of others. Whatever your case may be, it is always better to be equipped with the required emotional know-how when dealing with situations as important as the one we are trying to decipher in this article! Without further ado, lets dive in –

Please note that these are my personal views and should not be used as professional advice with respect to any psychological, medical or personal issues!

Contents

1. Every coin has two faces, which one do you see.
2. You build your Worth, others Value it!
3. Be the change you wish to see!
4. Self-Assessment is important, have you tried it?
5. Do not ignore it!

Every Coin Has Two Faces

It is not a surprise that in most cases, we either get to see one or cannot accept the other due to our limited experience or prior expectations! We all have been through situations where we expect a certain gratitude or appreciation from others and we don’t get that. Most of the times, it is not because they did not intend to, rather, there are other genuine reasons –

1. Everybody has a unique life and it could be better or worse than you know! It is possible that your boss understands the importance of the task you just completed or your spouse respects the efforts you have put in to that romantic eve. But, they were so overwhelmed with the other responsibilities or they were so much consumed by the good/bad in life, that they fail to acknowledge or present it to you. Unfortunately, due to the same reasons, if confronted, it is totally possible that they may or may not be able to give you a reason that seems valid to you. However, in such situations, loosing your calm, judging or comparing with others or silently holding grudges, eventually, leads to depleting trust and bitter relationships. If one can look out for such situations and instead ask, if everything is okay, or, if there is something they would like to share, this could turn into the rare opportunities to build closer relationships with people that matter.
2. You have certain expectations that the other person is not aware of! Considering, your expectations are realistic for the given context, it happens mostly because, they were never explicitly defined. Expectations are like waving at someone through a one way mirror. It doesn’t matter how natural it seems to you, the person may not have any prior experience to observe or understand your expectations. It is always better to have any such terms established at a prior stage. However, if that’s not possible or was left out earlier, it never harms to reach out and ask for a genuine feedback or complement (in case of informal relations or when you’re sure of it). It may be seen as flattering at first, but if you maintain consistency and seek feedback from everyone around, it is one of the best way to build respect and improve upon ourselves.
3. You cannot figure out the relevance, cause or consequence of actions of your boss, elders or spouse! Moreover, you are definitely sure that it is none of the above two cases. And, to add to it, they either cannot or do not wish to provide a reasonable explanation for it. Such situations may occur often, particularly in the hierarchical relationships (such as with our boss, seniors, parents etc.). It is natural to feel that that the person responsible is being unreasonable or unfair but, ironically, they may also have to face it every once in a while when dealing with people higher from them in their hierarchy. For most of us, with experience, the pain reduces, not because we get used to it, but because, as we grow, we get to experience the alternate perspectives of it. And we realize that our perspectives towards ourselves also change, that people are not perfect and that a good relationship is more important than a flattering appreciation every time.

You Build Your Worth, Others Value It!

We are the witness of smallest of the challenges and the victories we had to encounter to reach where we are today. Does this mean we are the best authors to write our biography? Yes, definitely. But, it does not guarantee it to be the next bestseller! Even the rarest of the metals does not have its value until it reaches the market. Bigger the market, truer the value!

No matter what your goals are, one must understand and improve upon how others value their skills, intellect and time. It is crucial because, in commercial world, we trade them for money; in society, we trade them for inclusion and security; in relationships, we trade them for compassion and so on. Fortunately, as humans, we have been trying for centuries now to quantify, predict and establish reasoning into such value systems. It is harder to do than to speak, but since ages, cultures have been designed to facilitate value systems that encourage individuals who wish to control it. Without distracting from the scope of this article, here are some key insights to look out for in this context –

1. History only recognizes or acknowledges the results. Do not comfort yourself with little appreciations you get from your friends, colleagues or relatives. It is always better to have someone that helps you differentiate between a real 6/10 with a 9/10 that you were expecting for yourself. It does not matter how hard you prepared for it, the world will only celebrate those efforts that won the Medal!
2. Your Value is not the same as your Worth! If your value does not seem to match your self-worth, assess whether you are being valued at the right market, by the right people, for the right attributes, at the right time? Further, assess how much of the success you are claiming is actually attributed to you? Is there any competition? Are you worth enough not to be compromised to offer a higher value to your competition? If yes, how can you improve upon that?

Be the Change you wish to See!

Mostly, the transactions between intellectuals are affected by the surrounding culture. Traditional practices and prevalent environment can impact as much as the day-to-day interactions between colleagues, friends and even family members. Further in competitive and process-oriented environments, such as in corporates or in later years of higher education (at college/university), people feel relatively more bounded in their choices to offer acknowledgement, appraisal or feedback to fellow individuals.

Unfortunately, when we are the victims, most of us cannot observe it at large and predominantly choose to blame the individual-in-case to be insensitive, unsocial, unfair and sometimes narcissistic. At such times, it can be difficult to think about the organizational factors such as culture and processes, since our primary need for validation or attention kicks in and binds us to seek forced-immediate or alternate-secondary response (such as while cursing the boss with fellow colleagues or complaining about a friend to other group members).

If you can relate to it and have been a witness to it at your workplace or with personal relations, try to bring in the required change instead of simply blaming others. Below are some suggestions, however, your implementation may vary depending upon your needs and situation –

1. Be more open to offering and asking for feedback even when dealing with not-so-significant situations. Fellow individuals including your friends, colleagues, family members and even your seniors, will definitely observe it over time and it will encourage them to reciprocate the same with you. However, remember you are doing it to improve upon the cultural practices and that does not happen in a day. Be patient and be confident, any change is more beautiful when it comes from within.
2. If you are in a position to do this, try to include some form of feedback-collection mechanisms into routine procedures. However, as we all know, just installing the speed limits signs are never enough. Such mechanism have to be supported by occasional reviews and collection of feedback about the implementation of such policies itself. Most will agree that good leaders and successful corporates always strive to establish a feedback chain that goes from bottom of the pyramid all the way upwards to the top-level decision makers. Consider yourself lucky if you have one!

Self-Assessment is Important

As social animals, most things we do, are directly related to our survival and primary needs. However, we, as human race, have evolved enough to not think about existence and acceptance at all times! We have learnt to invest our intellect and our time into fostering civilizations, developing technology, creating infrastructure and establishing social systems to allow us to seek our higher-order pursuits like compassion, esteem, actualization and transcendence.

Depending upon upbringing, social conditioning and current situations, different people may have different perspectives upon this. Contrary to the hierarchical claims of many experts on this matter, it is crucial to find a good balance between our pursuits to such higher-order needs to have a happier fulfilling life. For e.g. our goals should be a good combination of finding compassion and achieving a higher social recognition within our personal and professional life. On the other hand, we should find time and put in efforts towards identifying our potential, seeking our purpose and offer our contribution to the humanity, nature or anything that surrounds us.

Below are some good practices that can help you identify and align your activities and goals, however, as evident, the best method is the one that you can adopt and stick to, consistently –

1. Keep a journal of tasks that you plan or you are assigned to do. Along with the description of the tasks, mention the designated purpose and personal outcome that you seek out of it. At completion of each task, go through the corresponding journal entry and see how much of the desired outcomes were achieved. Were getting recognition or appraisal listed as one of the outcomes for the tasks? If not, then you should not expect it, and move on to other outcomes. If Yes, assess if you are satisfied with the feedback you received and what efforts did you put in to ensure that your recognition is not getting stuck in obstacles discussed in the above sections.
2. This one fits more to youngsters (such as during student life or in early years of career). Maintain a journal of activities you do during a week/month. At the end of each iteration, identify your motivators and inspirations to take those activities. What is the ratio of activities you did solely to seek recognition or feedback from others? Which activities were focused towards building self-worth instead of your perceived value? Over a longer term, assess if these ratios resemble a self-improvement pathway and what changes are required to be made to make it one!
3. Whenever, you accomplish something that you find worth appreciating, take a note of it. These entries may include your bigger achievements such as an award or smaller motivators such as successfully waking up early consecutively for three days. Whenever you feel low or ignored by others, just go through your recent achievements. Most of the times, the accolade or appraisal we are expecting is not bigger than the satisfaction we receive by doing things we love. Revisiting the things we consider as our high points will help us identify our self-worth & future goals. These self-assessments can offer significant inputs to our self-improvement. However, be cautious, not to get too much comfortable with self-appraisal. Have plans to systematically include feedback from others to reflect upon our self-assessment from broader perspectives.

Do Not Ignore It!

Yes, whatever be the case, do not try to ignore it! Assess why you are feeling the way you are. Try to hit a balance between internal and external validation towards ourselves. If required, seek professional help to carefully assess and find out the possible solutions.

Remember that secretly wishing to get recognition or validation is more comfortable than proactively working towards it but both has their own challenges, If nothing seems to work, may be its time for a bigger change! Seeking a new job, making new friends, confronting a relative, finding purpose of life, trying a new lifestyle etc. are all valid and possible options. Don’t let the fear of change keep you stuck in a bad environment, bad situation or with bad people.

Verdict

What we are today is the result of the efforts we have put into our life. But what we will be tomorrow depends heavily upon what we learn today! Knowledge drives our choices and choices make our lives. At times, we have to resist ourselves to act upon and instead think beyond the obvious to understand and identify the key solutions! Our native desires may overpower our intellect, memory and cognizance every now and then, but with practice, learning and good advice we can always choose the best thing to do!

If you found this article interesting, it is part of a series on Humans & Attention! Check out other posts in the series through these links — Part 1, Part 2.

Food for thought

1. Do you think it is important to be more aware of our psychological needs to be successful with people and in life at large?
2. Does knowing more about the intricacies of such factors help us become more responsible, effective and productive?
3. How much our awareness about our emotional reactions help us in building good relationships, gaining respect and finding right people in life?

Let me know your views in the comments!